Junjun's Vicinity

2010-07-28T17:08:00.000-07:00

Facts between me and my lupus:

1. I like to get things done asap. In the fury of getting things done, lupus tends to get in the way. Although it is wiser to take things easy to prevent unnecessary fatigue and K.O, I'd still like to "chiong" my work.

2. Despite the fact that luppie here is NOT active and mostly under the control of medication, certain organisations would not take the risk in allowing me to participate in certain activities, especially those involving heavy physical activities. Shucks.

3. If right now I'm getting better and better and taking less and less medications now, why is my bill still heading towards the glass ceiling?

4. There was one time I have my doubts whether this 'lupus' was real so I decided to find it out myself and stood under the sun. Skin feels like it's boiling. Not a very nice experience. Lupus confirmed.

5. Vampirism is the new lifestyle for me, avoid sun at all times (although sometimes I do catch a peek at the matahari once in a while. Sorry, I don't have glitter powder on me when sunlight touches my body. That will be the sickly looking Pattinson you're looking for. (I'm so sorry, Jacob looks better in my opinion. O.o)

6. Lupus affects a lot of my decisions so sometimes I sound a little self-centred. (sorry guys, health comes first for me, safety first for you because I'm still one heck of a daredevil :P)

7. Getting a flu means more tissue for you; Getting a flu means another knockout punch for me.

Getting a fever means MC for you; Getting a flu means A&E for me.

Getting a high fever that last for days means few nights stay at Tan Tock Seng Hospital; GEtting a high fever that last for days means RIP for me. (Immune system is lowered significantly to lower down the immune system's hyperactivity).

8. Lupus can be an advantage. (Oh, I'm sorry boss, I couldn't complete this assignment that you've given me 2 years ago and you wanted to hand it to you 2 weeks after you gave me this project? Yeah, I erm....I erm lupus you see...and uhh...I tend to get tired and lose focus easily? uhh....yeahh.....I'm sorry...I can't focus right now...I think a flare is coming up.....ooo.....)(have yet to try that yet, but actual flare ups have so far prevented me from calling lupus as an 'advantage')

9. Life can still be good with lupus. The way I do things are pretty much different from before, but I can still deliver results (so far), and sometimes better than before.

10. Lupus is a long battle, but it doesn't mean that lupus can never be your friend. I have learned to understand my own lupus more and continue to learn more about it every day. Work with lupus and it is possible to achieve a normal life.

Yeap, please take note that the facts above are not based on books or texts, but on my experiences in dealing with lupus (I am a lupus patient in case you haven't know yet). So please do not quote this into your WRs, PIs, University assignments and etc etc etc.. However, please be aware that lupus is not an uncommon disease and there are many children and women who have lupus in Singapore. Help them pave a way to lead a normal life in Singapore :)

2010-05-08T08:16:00.000-07:00

Laugh all you can

Why am I doing this? (A dedication to my tutors of NYJC)

2010-05-05T02:38:00.000-07:00

Why am I doing this?

Why my tutor is being heartless and loads our bags with extra revision materials and tutorials?

Why am I pushing myself really hard for As when the subjects we're taking isn't exactly relevant or nowhere near to the university courses we're aiming for?

I'm pretty sure these are the questions that popped inside my head quite often throughout my 2 years of A Levels. Nonetheless, I and another few thousands of A Levels students heed our tutor's 'orders' to 'do well'.

Today, I was curious about the exemptions for certain courses provided by universities of Singapore, so I Googled it to find out more. Found this link provided by SMU:

http://www.smu.edu.sg/matriculation/2009/aca_exemption.asp#2

This page explains the courses (although mainly foundation courses and GE courses) that freshman can be exempted from depending on their A Levels results, though the list is not restricted to just A Level grads but it includes Poly and IB grads seeking matriculation too.

Appalled by the fact that I am allowed to be exempted to up to 6 subjects, it struck my mind that if it weren't for my tutors' endless rattle, my Uni life would have been harder (perhaps, or least I won't be learning the actual stuff until I've completed the foundation courses.)

Putting uni courses aside, I guess tutors really play a huge role in helping us students obtaining admission into our desired universities. And over here, I would like to take this opportunity to thank the tutors that shared the same path as I walked during 08-09:

To Mr. Wong, for his encouragements to my class when our Maths results were not showing our true potential and his workings and answers scribbled on the whiteboard.

To Mr. Low, for his patience in explaning Physics concepts despite the fact that we were too busy doing Maths and Chemistry during his tutorials.

To Mrs. Chong, for her evergreen personality and her unique approach to Econs, spurring my interest in it and eventually my choice of course in SMU.

To Mr. Tan, for provoking our thoughts in GP and bringing out the best of us in project management skills for PW.

To Mrs. Tan, for further enlightening us that there's more to GP than essays and comprehensions.

To Mrs. Lim, for being such a wonderful PAE Civics Tutor and her concern for my health for the 2 years.

To Mrs. Lee, Ms. Sum, Mr. Ng, and Mrs. Wang, for their undying support for NYJChoir, spending hours with us, being there for us in every sectionals and performances.

To another Mr. Lim, for understanding my health concerns and allowing me to be with my classmates during PE despite my photosensitivity.

To Mr. Teo, for being such a great teacher mentor ensuring that the welfare of my batchmates is in the right hands.

Lastly, to the Chem version of Mr. Low, my Civics Tutor, for the enjoyable moments I had during his classes, not forgetting his street-wise philosophies that I shall always treasure.

My SMU Testimony

2010-04-23T05:17:00.001-07:00

I've always knew that God opens and closes doors of opportunities for us, but never did I experience such a divine intervention until this happened:

On the day I received a letter from NUS, I was overjoyed that No. 1 university had offered me the ASEAN Undergraduate Scholarship (AUS) to me to pursue a double degree in Economics and Business Admin (Accountancy). I shared the news with parents and friends and it seems that I would be heading to the Kent Ridge campus.

But since then, I had a feeling that I would not be walking in and out the lecture halls of NUS despite that Dad and I had made arrangements that he, mom and sis will fly over to help out with the signing of the scholarship agreement. Thus, I went around asking friends on Facebook and Oldham Hall on which university should I go to. Most suggested NUS since I am offered a scholarship to study there and there is no reply from SMU regarding any scholarship offers.

Sighing, Candice reminded me how happy I was after the interview I attended at SMU School of Economics. Then, it struck me that I loved the environment SMU provides as well as all the habitants (lol?) that resides in the middle of the Bras Basah campus.

One day, I called the Office of Undergraduate Admissions but nobody picked up the phone. So at that time I thought that perhaps God wanted me to go to NUS all along. Despite that, I still felt I should try my best contacting someone in SMU about my desire to study there. So, I typed an email to the director of the Office, hoping that they would reply me whether they could provide me the outcome of my scholarship application to study in SMU earlier.

After that, I prayed to God, I said "God, if You want me to study in SMU, let my phone ring the very next day. If not, I will faithfully go to NUS." (YES I KNOW IT'S A WEIRD PRAYER BUT NVM LOL!)

Next day, someone called from SMU congratulating me for being offered AUS to study in SMU! And yes, I agreed to accept the scholarship rightaway and began submitting the signed scholarship agreement as well as the GIRO form to allow the Uni to transfer my living allowance.

Until now, I am still shocked that God had answered my prayer and gave me that scholarship to study in SMU. Let this testimony be proof that our God is a listening God and to glorify Him and His works in our lives. I encourage everyone to trust God to control the reins of our lives as how my life is held tightly by Him.

Whoa!

2010-04-23T05:05:00.000-07:00

Yup...I can say that again in case you couldn't hear me...Whoa!!

In case there are friends and other Internet Wanderers who still read this blog whose blogger updates very rarely now, it's been a marathon of events for me for the past few months. My last post was like, in Jan or Feb? Anyway, it's a great feeling having the time to blog about something again :)

Currently working in a child care centre, it's an enriching experience for me to be close with primary school children again, after not going back to the temple at Tawau to help out at Sunday classes for such a long time. Most children at the Christian based centre belong to single parent families due to death of a parent or divorce.

I emphatise with the children at the centre, understanding how bad life could get having a single parent. At the same time however, I do feel blessed that my brother and I could emerge out of that matter and we are now challenging our limits doing the things that we like. Kids back at the centre kept thinking that they were stupid and useless.

Encouraging them prove to be a daunting task indeed, as sometimes us teachers may feel like giving up on them. However, by the Grace of God, it never stopped us from motivating them and helping them with their schoolwork, in hopes that they too, can experience God's Grace.

There were times I almost lost my patience persuading them to finish up their homework before they can play. But those were the times where I remembered that despite my parents have high expectations on me, I still have my freedom to play till my heart's content. I guess there's a need to teach P1 to P6 kids about the balance of work and play (could we shift more in favour with work for the time being? :P)

So that's from my work life :)

2010-02-21T09:00:00.000-08:00

Gave a jacket to an uncle earlier just now...He's always sleeping outside my flat because he usually gathers recyclable materials at night and then just take a snooze on top of some cardboard boxes...

I guess life struggles is really a harsh thing to live with it, especially if we are unable to find a roof above our heads...

I'm happy with my home, both Tawau and Singapore.. :)

2010-02-20T00:07:00.001-08:00

For those who are following up with the story I shared about the Indian male the other day...I have good news....He's found a stable job and I'm really really happy to see that he is able to secure a job despite the troubling times he's been through... :)

Anyway...here's another thing I wanna share... :)

Yes...it's a dot on a piece of paper....some of you might have heard this before...but....this one might be different...

Quoting from Naruto.... It is easier for us to focus on one dot on that piece of paper instead of asking one to focus on the entire piece of paper since we may stray away from side to side, corner to corner...

So...what does this mean to me? In life, we may try as hard as we could to extend our reach to as many things as possible because of fear of losing them within our sight... here's my personal account..

I'm pretty sure that most of the JC students or JC graduates would have a PCME combi....quite a common one I might say...hahas....Some of us might choose to take this combi because it seems (duhh...think again...) to be the easiest combi...Or it provides us a wider range of universities courses and subsequently.....a wider myriad of jobs available at our fingertips...

In this sense, this could be a false sense of security of our very own future because if we come across an actual crossroad....we still need to perk our ears and listen to God for the path that He has chosen for us...

Here's something to take back today...If you already know that God has already given you that dot, has spoken into your lives and you heard His calling and walking towards that direction...I pray that you will continue to walk that path and will always have more than enough potential to overcome impeding challenges...

For those who have yet to find their own dot on your paper, I pray that God will show you your dot and start lighting up the steps for you to walk on.. :)

2010-02-13T02:01:00.000-08:00

Hey fellas...

Sorry for being such a slow-mo on updating blog posts...been really busy with a lot of things since I've come back to Singapore and I thought that it would be nice if I just say something quickly over here before CNY and yes, before any one of you kill me for it (and double sorry too, because I am not giving any angpaos this year (too))

Anyway, story telling time!

I just finished OH's 2nd Alpha training course, and Felicia did really well on sharing her story to the boarders...I was walking towards Newton MRT Station feeling really really tired and walk past every stranger I've met without even looking at them...

Then, an Indian called me from behind and I felt that I must talk to this man and so I turned to him. He explained that he did not have a home and unemployed, and asked for some money from me. Without hesitation, I took out my wallet and gave him ten dollars.

Here's the 'Wow!' part (uhh, what I think of this story.. :P) He was very (very) thankful and thanked me quite a number of times. According to him, he was praying outside a church nearby hoping that he would bump into someone who could offer him some help or even a suggestion on where to get a job.

Sincerely, I'm really glad that he offered to work at a church so I referred him to go to Barker Road Methodist Church, near where we were standing that night. After that, I offered Balji that I pray for him and we did....

One week later, I do not know where is Balji, but I hope that he is doing well in Singapore.

It's so nice to be part of someone's miracle, something which I find very rewarding. :)

2010-01-15T05:48:00.000-08:00

In NYC, there's a blind girl who lived at the 17th floor of a penthouse, all alone because her father wasn't around...probably away for work...

A fire struck the penthouse and soon enough the whole building was engulfed in flames..Most of the residents managed to evacuate the building on fire but not the blind girl..She felt that something wasn't right because her penthouse was just a little bit too warm for comfort....Soon enough smokes began to seep under the main door and filled the whole house....Sensing that she is in a very dangerous situation..She climbed onto the window ledge and squatted there for fresh air...

At that point of time...Firemen saw the blind girl..but had no idea that she was visually impaired...They brought the safety net below her and one of the fireman shouted for her to jump down...But the girl did not budge...

The firemen were running out of ideas and the building was showing signs of collapsing when the father finally arrived to the scene....The father quickly asked for a megaphone and shouted: I am your father, please do as I tell you, exactly...Stand up!

The blind girl stood up instantly. Father: Now, jump!

She leapt into the oblivion, not knowing what's in store for her...But thankfully, due to her faith in her father that he will not harm her, she landed safely into the safety net..

Faith is a powerful thing, even leading those who are blind to sanctuary...

2009-12-31T05:58:00.000-08:00

I don't like it when someone gives you so much hope that you anticipate eagerly for the desired future to realise and suddenly, the same person took everything you hoped for from your hands...

2009-11-24T04:25:00.000-08:00

Feeling uber tired today...muscles throbbing still....chest feels like it's collapsing...

But it's worth the fun today... :)

2009-10-30T09:18:00.000-07:00

I don't wanna talk to anyone....

2009-10-29T07:46:00.000-07:00

2009-10-26T01:17:00.001-07:00

I can't run anymore...I don't want to move even one muscle...

Just let me sit down leaving the circuit unfinished..I'm too tired....Please....Don't force me...

2009-10-25T04:54:00.000-07:00

...

2009-10-16T05:59:00.000-07:00

I'm not happy...

But if I don't pretend that I'm happy...how others will?

2009-10-12T13:19:00.000-07:00

Ever offered a glass of water to someone and ended up having the same glass of water untouched and thrown right into your face, cutting into your skin?

2009-10-09T09:07:00.000-07:00

Sigh...

I missed the times when the Default people would just gather at some random place...talk loads of rubbish and yet enjoy every single moment...

Such occasions are rare now...I find...

Truthfully speaking...the only time all (actually most of us since some of us are back home) of us hanged out together was when one of us actually came down to Singapore to visit us...But without our good tall friend being the catalyst...I doubt that all of us would huddle together around a table like we used to back at OH...

Right now..Even some of us call the other Defaultees as anti-social....a term put so bluntly yet quite true... Sigh... why drain your own life because of a couple of lecture notes and prelim papers?

Yes...I know it's crunch time fellas...it's only a lil' more than a month till As...But think this through... We are not alone when it comes to taking a few papers in a huge hall... And I believe that the best time to be standing abreast with fellow Defaultees is right now...When everyone is feeling stressed out due to mugging and flipping notes over and over again...At least we have someone to talk to...

No...I don't like it when people could say that everything is over after As and we would not see each other again...That's utterly preposterous.. Why is there a need to hide away from friends when friends never give up on you?

Wake up fellas... If you guys wanna spend time to study for As for As....go ahead...But don't forget that at the same time... Your friends would be worried sick about you because they don't get to see you often anymore... Heck... What's the point of getting straight As if you don't have a friend who has been your comrade ever since you stepped on this soil? They understand you best!

I am not saying that we should all close our files and start spending 'get together time' with each other...I'm saying that there is no point of shunning yourself away from us just to stare at lifeless papers...Have you seriously heard of breaks? Vomits..Losing tantrums...Lifeless bodies entering the office for attendance taking...Volatile....Ignorance...Is this worth one piece of paper?

Balance guys....Balance gals....Believe me....I lived that life before and look what is has done to me... And there is no way I am going to let that happen to any Defaultees....and my classmates and my friends too....

I am a Defaultee...and I never leave my Defaultees behind... Just don't turn your back towards us... Hurt? Well...It's about time you realise that we all feel the same thing... That's why we Defaultees always stick together...no matter in which country we are...

2009-10-07T04:39:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I can't be there the whole time...

I want to...

I know I can't blame it on myself for having this..

But...

If this is not the factor...

Then what is it?

Sigh...

I don't want to be stuck inside a room for my whole life...

I'm not Suu Kyi...

But at least she is still hoping for something good to happen...

I'm unsure about what I'm supposed to hope for...

Sigh...

My new specs is nice...But not if it is worn by someone really pale...

Thanks to my CT tutor and teacher mentor for understanding my condition...

I'll try to attend the lectures for the subjects I'm weak at...

Is there anyone with lupus going thru A levels this year?

I really wanna know how you go thru all this !@%$#@.....

Sigh...

I'm not alone....am I?

2009-10-06T07:26:00.000-07:00

I submit everything to You... :)

2009-10-03T08:11:00.000-07:00

nothing cheers you up better than talking random stuff and being a retard with your friends.. :P

2009-10-01T20:16:00.001-07:00

dum dee dum dum...

Head was spinning when I woke up this morning...I guess I really need the rest now...Just realised that right after Prelims I never really had a good rest because all the programmes the tutors have cooked up for us started right after the end of my last paper....and marking day wasn't even a marking day since we all have to go back to college for Econs camp.. LOL

I would say that the camp is worth going back on a 'holiday'...given that the tutors gave us new insights and perspectives in studying Econs... :)

Anyway...hopefully a good rest over the weekend will help me recover back my strength to face the new challenges ahead of me...

A moment of thought... Why queue in front of the doors at the MRT station when in the end you guys just barge in as if there's a horde of zombies attacking you from behind? It defeats the purpose of queuing up right? If you're 3rd or 4th in line...then just stay there..Is not that you won't be able to hop onto the train on time...There's no point in getting first the whole time if everyone is getting the same outcome...Right?

Same goes for As...there is no point in comparing prelim results with everyone if everyone is going to do well in the end of the day...Yeah...I'm being over-optimistic perhaps...But we still have more than a month to go..And I choose to believe (regardless of how pessimistic you are) that we will all get our desired results at the crossroads...And the reason I choose to use the term 'crossroads' is because our journey does not end at As...We have more options after As and there is no point mulling over poor A level results (touch wood!) and not moving on with life...

Guys...Cheer up! There is still hope after prelims and I believe that we must keep that hope burning inside of us no matter how strong the typhoon (no referring to the Ketsana Typhoon) might blow and tear us apart...

We have each other to help out :)

Anyway...readers taking As...I'm currently compiling a file consisting of prelims from other JCs for 2009 along with answer keys...those who needs help can always look for me....and those who want to contribute to this file to help others...feel free to notify me...

This file is for everyone to share....Let's go for As in As!!

2009-10-01T08:16:00.000-07:00

It's time to turn on the magic... :)

2009-09-24T03:30:00.001-07:00

RAWR...just too tired to do anything... :/

2009-09-23T03:52:00.001-07:00

Sigh....luckily he wasn't around....

That sentence would have hurt him really bad... =/

2009-09-23T01:49:00.001-07:00

I'm thinking.... :)

2009-09-21T22:50:00.001-07:00

Paper flower :)

2009-09-18T07:18:00.000-07:00

I promise it will not happen again...

2009-09-17T14:29:00.000-07:00

eeks.....weird dream again....sigh....

i find it rather mundane to talk about me having weird dreams on this post...haha...

oh well....it just makes me make it up in the middle of the night a bit too often this week?

hmm....

2009-09-12T20:52:00.000-07:00

Bad day again....

Just leave me alone...

2009-09-12T20:25:00.000-07:00

Tahukah kamu betapa pedih rasa kata-katamu?

Patching up the cracks...

2009-09-08T08:17:00.000-07:00

A construction worker came over here today upon knowing that there are cracks found on the building....He was explaining that there is no reason for us to worry about the cracks on the building because they are only minor cracks and would not result in the collapse of the building...What he did next was quite worrying for me because he merely patch the cracks rather than inspecting the cracks first...Although the cracks on the wall may look minor, we never know the depth of the crack unless we inspect it thoroughly....Friends and I raised our concern to the person-in-charge but he told us off..."We people are very experienced in buildings....It is because we all have been doing this for years already...And if it weren't for us slaving under the sun for most of the time...You boys would not be able to have a roof to live under in Singapore...Now go back to your rooms and read your books!"

Sigh...Being a student does not mean we know nothing, hence we go to school to learn something....We may be shallow.....But we are aware of our surroundings....Please...don't use experience or contributions whatsoever to shut our mouths...We are students now, but we will replace you in the future...no matter how many contributions or how many stories you could tell about yourself...

2009-09-06T06:57:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder whether my parents (3 of them) actually read my blog...Just to keep in check with me to make sure that I'm alright? Well...I'm not saying that it is not right for them to go to that extent to make sure I'm alright because that's what parents do right? Getting all worried about their children and would call, email, even leaving a wall post on their son/daughter's facebook profile just to hear the phrase "I'm fine mom/dad"

Talked to mom over MSN just now when I was flipping through my Org Chem notes to revise some equations... (NY ppl, you would know the 11461155, 11341133, 123122, 125113 equations if you actually read the notes... lol) A lot of things happened back at Tawau.....The unfortunate thing is the things aren't good...

No...there is no way I'm going to hang my family's dirty laundry over this blog because I respect and love every family member I have no matter where they are....But...I wish there is something that can be done right now....

Don't you just find it hard to allow your own tiny heart to let out its cries for just 5 minutes when everyone else is bound to peek into your own privacy? Thanks to the Net and Facebook...I doubt that there is un posto perfetto for anyone of us to unleash our words without anyone else noticing...

Sigh...

fml is nice to read...shall continue reading it now....

2009-09-05T18:09:00.000-07:00

Guard my heart, Lord...

2009-09-03T05:26:00.000-07:00

Why?

2009-09-02T07:56:00.000-07:00

249 is a nice number.....but hopefully the number will grow? :)

2009-09-01T08:17:00.000-07:00

Perhaps it's a good thing not to feel stressed about prelims is approaching....Just keep up with the positive attitude like promos last year....and hopefully things will turn out right... :)

2009-08-30T08:04:00.000-07:00

Back's been hurting since last night...Although the pain subsided later today in the evening...The pain somewhat came back just now....Hmm...Looks like after more than a year my body is still weak and when I have a taxing day my body would suffer...ie carrying a heavy bag for the whole day... O.o

Was doing a bit of Physics revision until I realised that it is 11pm and I had to stop...Lights need to be turned off at this hour...luhh....Yes...I do have a table lamp beside this lappy..But I don't have enough power points to plug my router, my lappy and my table lamp....So shall continue my work tomorrow....Sigh...

Prelims is coming..And yet I'm still wondering whether will I be able to finish my revision in time before the start of Sept hols because I'm planning of just doing prelim sets during the week....Hoping that I will not worry too much about revision and just try to do my best...like what my Dad said to me before...It does not matter what others are doing or trying do to...Just make sure that I do my best?

Wondering right now why the others are still in such jovial mood given that prelims is just 5 days away...Hmm...At least they feel jovial right now..I can't feel anything...perhaps my mind is just too flooded with work (self imposed revision) until I can't feel anything else...

Well...I can't generalise saying that I can't feel everything that is around me right now...A lot of things happened this week.....But I'm glad that the things that were over troubled waters have now calmed down and the good things have became better? Yup...

Celebrating Malaysia's 52th birthday soon..It's been a while since I've sang the national anthem....haha...Don't worry...I can still remember singing it....

But....Will I still call it my home? It's not that I don't like the place anymore...It's just...things have changed so much that I would have called here as my home now....ie...Medicine need to be gotten here....(thanks TTSH)....continuing to study here means I would settle here for work too... :)

Yup....shall not think too far on this issue for now....Shall sow the seeds of today......continue to pull of weeds....water the seedlings...provide ample sunlight and fertilisers....And someday, I shall reap the fruits of my efforts... :)

2009-08-26T08:22:00.000-07:00

Legs wobbly...

Hoping that both of my legs will be alright the next day?

2009-08-24T08:38:00.000-07:00

I can do this.

I know I can.

I will finish this race.

Nothing can stop me.

I declare victory is in my hands.

For the Lord provides me my own unique victory.

I declare that I will overcome all challenges.

And triumph over trials.

I declare that I will obtain my strength from the Lord.

And He will grant me rest when I'm in exhaustion.

I will provide the tools for Him.

To shape me into His vessel.

Fill me with His Holy Spirit.

And in turn help me pour out His Spirit into my friends' vessels.

And help them reach out to God.

Thank you Lord, for your strength.

In Jesus' mighty name I pray,

Amen.

Weakened....

2009-08-23T21:21:00.000-07:00

Decided to come back from college today the minute I felt unwell...Left arm had suddenly became weak and it shook quite badly when I was eating my lunch at the college canteen..

I guess it's lucky of me to decide to come back because at the instant I reach into my room my legs felt weak as well....hmm..Upper arms have this aching feeling now...Strange though....Unless my Econs file is made up from 10kg of plastic and paper I should not have this feeling....

Even typing this post seems to get harder and harder now...

Hmm...currently thinking about how to manage my time right now because I need to allocate time for rest....Backup plan needed as well in case something like today happens again...

Things that I want to do for this week:

Monday

Physics Mock Paper 2

Econs Essay (TJC on International Trade)

Maths Mock Paper 2 (If WT could help me get a copy) or Maths HCI Paper 1

Tuesday

Physics Prelim 2007 Paper 3

Wednesday

Chemistry TJC Prelim Paper 3

Thursday

Maths HCI Paper 2

Friday

GP Essay

Note: Monday have more because now I'm in the hostel...LOL

Step by step....I'm not just holding on to the ledge of a cliff..I'm climbing up the cliff...

2009-08-23T07:18:00.000-07:00

Read about how the other lupus patients are doing.....they're not coping well recently...

One had developed a series of health problems which includes lungs filled with water, and an enlarged heart...

The other one used to be a straight As student and now she is struggling with her studies 2 months after her disease was diagnosed...

I guess I should really thank God for helping me through it all....

2009-08-16T11:09:00.000-07:00

Just read a blog post from a person who has a lupus patient for a friend...Her friend died not long ago due to stress from overworking...

A Filipina, she came over to Singapore to work at some company at Kallang.... Her boss was pressing her too much apparently, although she was asking for sick leave due to her frequent cases of fever...

Hmmm...thinking again...

Couldn't really sleep tonight....Although in a few hours time I would be at the hospital for my monthly checkup...

Although family and friends, even friends that I've haven't spoke to them for months have supported me in battling lupus, I guess that sometimes, there are things that we could not stop worrying about?

Just like what the blogger said, stress can be a silent killer, a more potent one if you have underlying medical conditions that can be easily offset by stress.....Needless to say, I'm on the list...

Some people just could not understand how it actually feels like being 'dead'...not literally, but rather....somewhat similar....Practically because no one ever lived to actually describe the feeling of being dead....Well...how about....being mentally conscious and aware of your own surroundings but could not lift a finger or make a grunt?

People keep telling me that I should prioritise health above studies right now...But could anyone think in this perspective? Who knows whether my health would be in a better state in future? My point being, keeping my health in check does not justify that I can just take my A levels as if it's just another lecture test.... Is it ok to no do well for A levels?

Someone actually mentioned about it's alright....I could always retake A levels....Yeah right...After more than a year and a half of painstaking work that I have been through? My body have been receiving enough batterings already....Don't you think that one A levels in a lifetime is enough?

It's really hard to convey things over to people when they are just too oblivious to see the big picture of my problem...Some fear for not completing their work in time to submit to Chem tutors...I worry about whether I could open my eyes to greet the morning sun...

It's really hard to fight off the numero uno question that has been haunting me since 17 June 2008....Why me? Why me? Why me?

I don't want to hate the sun that I used to love a lot...I did a lot of things under the sun that gives light and life....I played basketball under the sun...I ran under the sun....Scouts training was under the sun too...

And now...Even just a brisk walk under the afternoon sun would tire me and I start to become dizzy and weak...Quite ironic to receive such experience from the life giving sun....

I missed the times when I went jogging with my dad...Where I could run as long as I like...And when I feel that I had enough jogging, I could join my friends right away to play a game of basketball.....perhaps two!

Now...Climbing up the stairs is already enough to make my heart pound for half the tutorial period..

The first solid thing I swallow everyday is not something people call food....Literally because they call it by another name...Something that I'm quite sure that I'm stuck to for the rest of my life...

Imagine eating those and having the thought that they might be merely placebos....I would be terribly draining my family's financial strength, obviously they could use it for other better purposes...

Hmm....Is it worth it?

2009-08-14T07:38:00.000-07:00

When I woke up in the morning my head was spinning so bad that I instantly decided not to go to school today...The first time I was so prompt in deciding whether to go to school or not...

So I made a few smses to some related people to let them know that I was not feeling well and continue lying down on my bed, trying to sleep....It was hard to get back to sleep because construction is still ongoing behind my room...

Then there was one time when I heard someone calling my name, trying to wake me up.....She even motioned me to make sure that I'm alright....At that time, I was mentally awake but my body just couldn't turn around to reply the hall manager? Felt that my limbs were binded by some invisible rope, so I tried making a sound to let her know that I'm awake...But no sound came out from my mouth...So there was I....it's like a dead feeling I guess...don't ask me about it...I dunno what is it like to be dead...

But I guess if we are somewhat mentally alive, that's how a dead person feel? Trying to call out to people around us but our physical body does not allow us to, nor is our voice box readily available to our need to call out to our loved ones...

Just hope that I won't get this feeling again?

2009-08-10T06:02:00.000-07:00

Been reading blogs set up by other lupus patients.....I could say that almost all the posts they uploaded did not really paint a fair picture on themselves...

Hmm...although their posts do sound depressing...but I felt better because at least there are other people who are facing the same thing as I do?

Most of them are mothers though, and they got diagnosed during their mid 20s....There's one who got diagnosed just weeks after her wedding.....

Hmm...wondering whether should I count myself lucky or not...But so far I'm still the only lupus patient going through A levels....There's a girl who got diagnosed when she was 14...but she had quite an easy life in US....

Hmm...headache now...

2009-08-08T05:36:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when you're raring to do something...

It's better to start with doing absolutely nothing first!!

Lol...This is me....Wanting to study tonight and yet somehow couldn't find anything to motivate me....

Perhaps I shouldn't do anything for now and get ready to start work tomorrow then?

Hmm.....

Wear a mask

2009-08-06T02:04:00.000-07:00

Intro:

I just hate people who are being so inconsiderate towards others...

If there's anything in the world could replace that guy,

I would say...

That person is nothing compared to a bucket of slime!

1st Stanza (Rap)

Ever thought what are the consequences

whenever you sneeze in front of others

without a small attempt to even close,

let alone cover your mouth?

Ever thought that the dandruff you shed

everytime you scratch your head would cause

serious air pollution and adding flakes to our tutorials?

Ever thought how would tutors feel

to have you dilly-dallying for the whole lecture session,

not bothering to even take out your notes

whom tutors have pain-stakingly made for us?

Even such simple gestures of politeness...

you have failed to put in effort in doing it...

Embarassing...Disgraceful!

Chorus:

I bet you dunno...you dunno..

That your EQ is so low...

Wake up! Wear a mask...

You don't want MOH to catch you!

2nd Stanza:

*Cough Cough*..

Ever wonder why I now put my things

on the chair beside me whenever you came?

*Cough Cough*

Ever wonder why I just couldn't bother answering your call?

*Cough Cough*

Do you even know why I'm coughing right now?

You've got a problem, that's not my problem,

*Cough Cough*

So just go away,

Embarassing, Disgraceful!

Chorus:

I bet you dunno...you dunno..

That your EQ is so low...

Wake up! Wear a mask...

You don't want MOH to catch you!

Bridge:

Oooh...

You don't want H1N1 to get you...

Oooh

Like I care that it will get youuuu....

Whoaaa!!!!

Chorus:

I bet you dunno...you dunno..

That your EQ is so low...

Wake up! Wear a mask...

You don't want MOH to catch you!

Hey, you want a N90?

Fool, it's not a phone,

It's a mask!

*Smack!*

Fin

Could anyone put in a melody for this song? I'd be glad to sing this aloud.....

Inside the Sick Bay...

2009-08-05T07:38:00.000-07:00

Wondering why suddenly I remembered about the time when I was residing inside the sick bay back at OH...

The first few weeks was......disastrous...perhaps that's the only word I could describe it right now...

It's not because the OH family weren't treating me well...it's more of this internal conflict I had within me...

Seriously, having the doctor telling you that you have SLE without showing signs of sympathy is by far not pleasant news...Well...yeah....I think I did a good job telling my family and friends over here about it...without shedding a tear on my hospital bed...At that time...I couldn't feel anything...just....desensitised I guess?

When I came out from TTSH, I thought that as long as I obey the doctor's prescriptions and take the medications I would walk out strong and healthy....Or so I thought....Not even 5 days and I went back to TTSH...

2nd time being discharged..I was totally lost...I did not know what to do about my life at that point of time....It's like...suddenly a huge book entitled "Guojun, you are not what you used to be right now" had landed square on my face...colliding my cheek muscles as if I got hit by an 18-wheeler...

Sick bay was the first room I entered upon reaching OH from the hospital...By nightfall, I was, admittedly, in tears...because I had SLE....

It was the first time I was in tears because of my sickness...because I had the cloak of the night to cover the tears rolling down my warm cheeks...

It did not stop at just one night...It went on for quite a while I guess...Wondering what am I going to do about the disease...

Well...At least I'm still alive right now....Hmm....such memories I had inside that room..

As night engulfs the sky,

Only a shimmer of light creeps into the dark room,

Within the room, Sitting on the wheelchair,

In tears,

Staring blankly into the dark void,

Perhaps the dark setting is a blessing,

For sun rays would burn and kill,

Perhaps the 4 walls are a gift,

For dust and dirt would rip the soul,

Nighttime ticks away,

And yet a pair of eyes is still open,

Red, swollen,

Knowing very well,

It's impossible to bask upon,

The Light that provides life,

Wondering whether is there such a thing,

Life equated as an hourglass,

Staring at the hourglass,

Awaiting the last grain of sand,

Trickles down through the slim neck,

Burying any remnants of his life...

2009-08-03T06:23:00.000-07:00

I don't see anything wrong with me mugging at school...

Why bother?

Working without putting a toe over the border...

2009-07-28T07:21:00.000-07:00

Had a tiring day today....I'm not trying to boast here...But given that everyone else is exhausted and I'm having this "low-energy" dilemma everyday... I guess I'm doing pretty well if I haven't drop dead in the middle of the school atrium....hahaha...

Had a review on JC2s MYE this morning...Results for the top 20 and most improved students were announced too... Was quite happy with myself that I got 8th in the cohort....Despite getting only one A this time round...

But...some of the teachers around here are still within this perception that I'm under-performing...What's wrong with me getting a D for Physics...Is not that I intended to the whole time....

Erm....keyword... the whole time...

Yeah...Was thinking about why do I have to fall sick during MYE....Results may have been better if I were in tip-top condition...

But.....I need to be grateful with this result...For I believe that my efforts will always be rewarded equally....Ahhh....yes.....small effort.....small rewards too.... O.o

Hmm....thinking whether working for 2 hours at night everyday is sufficient enough...But I'm not taking risks in putting a toe over that border...The next time I do that could be fatal....erm....hopefully not....

2009-07-26T01:09:00.000-07:00

One step at a time...

Don't jump on the gun too fast... O.o

2009-07-23T05:12:00.000-07:00

Wonder why when I feel so motivated in doing work....it all takes just a couple of pains in the head and joints to take it all away completely....

2009-07-20T07:16:00.000-07:00

Got back Physics paper today...Had a feeling that I would be getting a D for it? Well....I expected it because I could not really concentrate during MYE so had to somewhat sacrifice that paper, given that Physics is on the last day... (Sorry Mr Low!)

Perhaps I need to rethink on my timetable? Such that there's a balance in study and rest? Cannot afford to have another "down" day at this point of time....

Things to do for this week:

Revise Physics Kinematics

Revise Econs Price Theory and Elasticity

Eh? Oh....Finish Chem stuff edi....hence the short timetable...haha....

Perhaps I could add up a few more...

Revise Maths Integration... O.o

Read Newsweek

Weekend programmes

Chemistry Energetics and Entropy

Maths Diffferentiation and Maclaurin's

Econs Production Laws and Costs and Market Structures

Yeap....should be fine.. :)

Towards or Away?

2009-07-19T08:23:00.001-07:00

Rashes spreading across my body.....

Praying that it's not serious....

The last time I had a full body rash attack was when I had a viral infection....Eak was terrified at the sight of my back....

But this time I don't really feel pessimistic about it? Right now it's more of I'm ready to accept that if I were to experience a lupus flare I would not feel depressed about it?

Perhaps it's a good thing if I were to be hit by a flare...

Reason 1:

I spent most of Semester 2 at the hostel, given that I had a flare and I'm still not feeling well....This gave me the opportunity to thoroughly devise a study plan, not only accounting for my study needs, but also my health too... (Including sleeping hours!)

Reason 2:

Being able to stay at the hostel full time allows me to do whatever I want without the fear for deadlines...In other words....Freedom to do OTOT...Hence, stress level goes down....(It actually happened last year for Promos...)

Reason 3:

I would be more aware of my health for the only things that are around me inside my room are my notes, my files and myself....More frequent body checks could be made to observe any changes i.e. spread of rashes and check for other symptoms such as fever, sore throat, and joint pains...

Sounds like a good plan....But there are counter arguments to this agenda:

Rebuttal 1:

Having OTOT may have a higher tendency to slack, using my own health as the major excuse to "I need more rest as my body cannot tolerate with high stress level." Under-utilising myself would means I cannot reap Economies of Scale...

Rebuttal 2:

Following the deadlines set by the school is an easier way to know whether I'm on the right track or not...For the tutors are more experienced, thus they would have the expertise (don't ask me whether they do or not!) in crafting a revision timetable for students....In other words, as long as I'm able to keep up with the work given, I'm OK!

3 Vs 2...

Although reasons for staying in the hostel is more than continue going to school...It is really low level to make decisions base on which side has more benefits....

Well...you don't list down the advantages and disadvantages of chicken rice before deciding whether you want to buy that for lunch right?

Hmm....now comes the concept of running....

I miss running....That's what I usually do whenever I feel like it...

Feeling the wind whistling at my ears as I take every stride....

Heart starts beating with a high tempo rhythm....

But...How am I running all this while?

I believe that there are only two ways of running.....For those who thought that there's the Usain Bolt running style, Powell or Gay running techniques, or free-running.....try this for another point of view...

1. Running towards

2. Running away

Both still have the main idea of running....But how do you run?

Running towards your intended destination? Guided by nothing else but your own beliefs, desires?

Or is it running away from your own problems and conflicts; running without a defined direction, only to find oneself running because there's someone whipping you from behind towards their own intended destination...

To think deeply about this matter...I've realised...

I've been running away from conflicts and problems that I could not handle...this year..once I fell ill...I did nothing to ensure that I could juggle both my health and studies....eg....I just blame it on my health for not doing well in tests....and I blame on my studies for ignoring my own health...

Problems may leave you, but when unsolved, it will continue to haunt...

It's time for a different running method....

Randomity time!!

I like what I told Chaww about just now over dinner....

Your looks could put a dent in your confidence, but that does not mean that it should be the source of your confidence....

Hehe....

Term 4 coming up...

2009-07-19T00:18:00.000-07:00

Realised that I did most of the work that was supposedly discussed in the lecture hall....zzz..

Oh well....at least that means I have more time to do my own revision?

OTOT!!!

Oh wait....There's still CJC Maths Prelim Paper.... Shall do that later tonight.... :)

Right now perhaps I shouldn't be mulling over MYE and should move on?

Yeap....

Following the Arrow of My Life

2009-07-18T06:11:00.000-07:00

Felt better after some reconcilation today...It feels good to have myself re-orientated and all? Found back my compass and better start heading forward now... Just follow the arrow?

Things that I've done that's due next week:

Chemistry Bonding Revision

Chemistry Gases Revision

Things that I need to settle for this weekend:

Maths CJC Prelim Paper

Chemistry Stoichiometry, Redox and Atomic Structure Revision

Things that I want to do:

Read up Econs Price Theory and Elasticity

Revise Physics Kinematics

Any tutorials to complete?

Hmm...Chem tutor said that it if I don't feel and stress right now, I'm in deep trouble...

Haha...I'm not in trouble then, just feeling the stress in the form of pain... Wondering how stress could be related to physical pain....Hmm....

Better stop continuing this post and lie down on my bed if I want to continue adding posts on this place.....Back crying for my bed now...haha....

Compass...guide me to where I'm supposed to go....

2009-07-17T16:10:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought that after sleeping through the night things will get better...

Keyword: Sleep....

Did not get a good enough sleep.....kept rolling on my bed throughout the night...

Hmm.... There's just too many things going on my head now...

I really want someone to talk to but they all just say that I need rest.....

Where can I find rest?

God...please....help me....

Holding that knife smiling...

2009-07-17T06:24:00.000-07:00

There's just a teeny weeny....wait...correction....there's A LOT of things racing through my head as if it were some race track at STC....

Been trying to tell myself for the umpteenth time that no matter what is the result I will be receiving from my teachers...IT'S OK....

But why I just can't accept that thought whenever the tutors said that I could have done better...why am I underperforming....and why I can't answer such simple questions correctly...

Hey...Don't blame me, I'm too tired to even pick up my pen and start scribbling the night before every paper...I'm just too weak to keep up with this insane pace....Don't blame me for my weakness...I did not choose to be this weak....

But given that my physique is already it's all-time low....Then why doesn't my mentality follows the trend? Why is it such a terrible feeling when you're a perfectionist? I want to let go of my own mediocre results....And yet....my mind is crying out loud that I could have done better....And SHOULD regret that I didn't...

And here I am...rambling hard on this post....right after I finished my Chem revision package as if I was being possessed...Thought that it would help me get things off my mind but it didn't...

Results does not determine one's identity...But without results, where could one go?

In this world, results justify the means... But does it mean sacrificing my own health?

No...wait...I should not blame on my health that I'm underperfoming...

It's just that I'm so afraid of failure I twitch the moment my friends mention about their own results...

What's worse is the tutors too are somewhat heartless, despite their "full of concern'' motivations and encouragements...Well...if they intend to motivate and encourage...Why do I still feel depressed about my own results?

Is my efforts paying off? I'm still afraid to face failure....

The reason I perform well....so far.....is because I'm so scared of failing that I literally pushed myself beyond my own limits to fare well in every tests and exams...Everything worked so well.....until now...Failure is staring right at my face right now...

And here I am, constantly telling others that they should not run away from the fear of failing....breaking down because of bad results, considering to quit A levels...

Haha...I'm leading the greatest hypocritic life in this world.....I should win at least 5 years of Grammy Awards for being the Best Hypocrite....

Putting up a smile in front of everyone telling them that I'm satisfied with what I'm going through...which I'm not...

Why...why can't I just accept that my results are alright....

I'm hurting a lot right now because of all this pushing and stretching...

Now I really understand how MJ felt, having 50 concerts in a year and eventually died due to overdose of painkillers....

Well..he should know that being a lupus patient, he should not overdose on painkillers...Ack...

Perhaps I should overdose myself with some of those too...That would permanently take away the pain I'm having right now....

Hmm....No painkillers inside my room right now...

Wait....there's Azathioprine...

It's supposed to temporary lower down my immune system upon consumption....That's to keep my immune system under control and preventing it from attacking my body system..

Perhaps I should take 15 times more than the usual amount...Then let my flu finish the rest of the job.....

Then I would not have to dream about someone killing me edi....there's no need to anyway...

And that smile would just fade away from my memory forever.....

Mid Years...

2009-07-13T07:11:00.000-07:00

Got back some of my papers today....got B for Maths and E for GP....and if I were to receive these results back in Malaysia...I would have been utterly disappointed...

Why the lack of this negativity now? Erm..I guess that I realised that I could not consistently push myself at such a high intensity throughout this 2 years? Not exactly because of my medical condition, for I believe that only a handful could actually keep up with this intensity until the end of this year...

Hoping to get straight Bs for my 4 H2 subjects...but then again....C would be alright too....Today's also the first day I actually started doing my own revision now...MATHS.... O.o

Haven't got back the rest of the papers, but I'm not too sure why I'm not worried about my results...And after staring at my Maths paper for quite a while...I felt motivated to do better now?

Maths revision just now was productive...hopefully the momentum will continue for the other subjects...

As for GP....haha....We'll see how my new GP tutor can help me with my problems....And I shall not describe my new GP tutor over here....I still intend to sit for my A levels inside the examination hall...Not behind bars...nor on the hospital bed...

It's been over a year since I was discharged from TTSH...Suddenly remembered that I was optimistic about myself as the calendar starts counting down to Promos...despite the fact that I did not attend school for half of Term 3 and a huge chunk of Term 4....

But this year is different now....Because I believe that He will always be with me....running towards my goal...

The run is 3 quarters done....It's time to start picking up pace...

I'm going to get my 7As for A levels...I will get my 7As for A levels...

Wolf

2009-07-08T05:36:00.000-07:00

Staring blankly in front of this screen of mine....

Wondering why am I one of the thousands of lupus patients in Singapore...

This week is in stark contrast compared to last's....

Last week I actually had the steam to move on....Even encouraging friends to push through the "hard times" of Mid Years....

This time I'm the one that can't even get myself up from bed properly without having my body trembling vigorously...followed by a pair of groggy eyes and a really sore throat....

Was thinking whether will this occur again during A levels...I guess right now the thing I'm worried about is not even the results that I might get for my As....But rather will I even step into the examination hall....If so, in what condition will I be?

Going through what is dubbed the hardest turning point in your life with a medical condition that greatly cuts down your outdoor activity time, energy, and perhaps life span isn't much of a choice for me now...

I'm wondering if my lupus flares up, which part of my body will it strike this time...

Choice A: Kidneys

Got hit by this last year....Was on level 4/5....was close to level 6....Yeap...It pretty much sounded like the 6 levels from WHO on pandemics....reaching level 6 means bye bye world...Anyway...Had to go through a low fat and low salt diet so that my kidneys could recover...Heck...That's not even because I ate a lot of fast food...Oh...and I used to be on a low protein diet too...and no sugary drinks.....

Choice B: Dermatological related

Oops...I mean skin..It's not really a choice actually...It's typically one of the easiest way to identify a lupus patient....Well....Mine was not noticed early....Perhaps that was my luck? Went to see several doctors because of this rash on my nose...Which I think stunned the doctors because they could not find a cure to it? Most probably it's because they thought that it was purely dermatological....Not something within my genes....Oh well....Secondary school friends used to re-sing "Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer" using my name instead....Funny that I actually became one...And no...it's no gift from Santa Claus too..

Choice C: Muscloskeletal

Mostly joint pains related...that actually explains why I'm suffering from wrist pains when I'm writing for extended periods...ie MID YEARS.....and I just found out that having this disease actually increases my risk of having bone fractures...Great.....Means I can no longer bang myself on the wall without having a crack on my head...

Choice D: Blood type

This is what I think I will be having for a long....long....long time....Low blood cell count, low platelet count....In other words...I'm super vulnerable to cuts, abrasions and pathogens...Once hit and I'm on my way to TTSH.....Had 3 super long weeks there with old people....Not intending to go back there again...

Choice E: Chest

Not really chest.....Just decided to combine the heart and lungs together so I won't scare off my readers...There's a possibillity that my heart will be imflammed...which could mean that I could have a super tired heart that is crying to stop....Well...technically a heart cannot stop right? The rest is guess work for you....Lungs would shrink if attacked which may explain why I have this super low stamina right now...

Choice F: Neuro related

I guess this is what I'm having right now....mood disorder....anxiety problems...and just read that the headaches that I'm having is due to lupus too...Worse cases includes psychosis...Seizures..and cognitive disorder....hmm...

Choice G: Others

Currently having right now...Unexplained pain...poor sleep quality...depression....fatigue....

Wondering why I always tell others that my disease is not complicated at all....Perhaps that action gotten my that IB photo which is sitting beside my bed right now..Perhaps it's an award for being able to hide all my problems from the others?

Things really are different since last June...And it's more than a year since I was diagnosed...Wondering why I'm still having problems with this sickness..

Systemic means pertaining to the body as a whole...

Apparently it is affecting me as a whole.....physically...mentally and emotionally...

Lupus got it's name from the facial rash that looks as if the person got attacked by a wolf...

Hmm...Perhaps it's my fate that I chose a lone wolf as my background?

It's not about being a lone wolf anymore...

Now it's more of I'm the one being attacked by this lone wolf...

2009-07-08T02:24:00.001-07:00

Come on Jun....

Push harder....

Just a little bit more...

On bended kness and clasped palms...

2009-07-07T07:12:00.000-07:00

Just had a call from my mom.....She's leaving for the States tomorrow and I'm glad that she and her family had a great time over here?

Heard about my brother too...He's doing fine right now because his friends have started accepting him again since he went to KL to be with my mom for a few days...

Feeling happy for my brother right now because everyday I prayed that his friends will forgive his mistakes and accept him again? So this is practically the first time that my every-night-prayers are actually answered!!

Right now I'm wondering how are all my family members are doing...after hearing that Han is doing okay...Miss them a lot I suppose? Facebook's been helping a lot though...At least I could infer from the photos my family uploaded..they are doing fine? Judging from the fact that all Jiaying's photos are all smiley photos I guess they are happy right now....Oh yes...Lil seems happy too...haha....

Wondering right now what is it like for them to go on with life without me for more than a year...Is it still the same? Or otherwise? Been praying for them every night right now...And it does bring back certain memories...

Hmm...prayers....I wonder what other prayers are pending to be answered?

2009-07-03T05:48:00.000-07:00

Went jogging this afternoon...it's been a while since I've last jogged...Although I'm not encouraged to do so...but I guess I'm still not willing to succumb to my cut-down, lowered physical limitations?

Inevitably, life sure is not as fun as it used to be since I'm diagnosed with lupus...couldn't do many things with my classmates too, since there were class outings that involves physical activities.....so I think it would be better not to join them since I'm afraid that I would be a killjoy because I can't enjoy the fun...

PE lessons are a bore too....but thankfully PE lessons are officially over now, but actually, mine ended a long time ago given that I don't need to change into my PE attire...Yeap...

Was actually wondering, how do some people actually pick the pieces of themselves after being shattered by the fact they have a life-long disease...Lance Armstrong fought cancer...His should be worse than mine...Given that I only need to undergo 6 months of chemotherapy...yeah....body was super weak last year...especially during Promos time...

I'm also wondering how did I actually managed to pull off a result like what I got for Promos...And thinking whether is it possible to re-simulate the atmosphere I was in last year....Apparently this is virtually impossible...given that I'm residing at Parry Hall....where the construction yard is what decorates my window scenery..Even the noise of the machinery and workers shouting at each other is a norm in this place right now....

*Sigh* Realised that I actually accept my own limitations during Promos and sort of created a study plan such that I could have enough rest and study enough...Expectations towards myself was not that high since I did not attend school for more than half a term...

Right now...It seems hard to emulate that because there's this thing called 'expectations' running through my head now...Everyone is expecting me to pull another rabbit out of the hat....But this time..it's not just any white rabbit...It's a rabbit that can walk and talk and pour coffee for you....

Wouldn't it be better if we all could work at our own pace and gunning towards our own target....or to put it bluntly..OTOT? Wouldn't that allow people to grow at their own pace...And will eventually succeed? Is it really true that pace is the numero uno factor today? Must we be quick enough to keep up with the pace of today?

Keeping up with the pace does not sound motivating in this context...It literally means that we are not fast enough but we are trying....or rather struggling to follow the pace that is being set...could anyone let us know the pace is set by who by any chance?

Confucius said... "It is alright to be slow than to stop"

But in reality, choosing to be slow and you might be drifting away from the mainstream....My oh my...what a strong current...

This year is quite a mind-boggling year for me...Can't stop thinking about what lies ahead of me and whether am I walking on the right path....Is there really a path laid down before me to walk upon? Is this the way us homo sapiens find our life's purpose?

I choose to think the other way...There's is no path paved for us...We have to hack down the grass and create our own path....The difficulty in creating a path, however, would vary across people.....Some find it easy to hack through cotton...Others find it impossible to emulate Moses' paving a way through the Red Sea....

Ahh indeed...how dramatic life is...Paving pathways to search for our own destiny...but why there's a tendency to be fatalistic?

And so he begins to run in only one direction...

Forward...

Yet, he could not see what is in front of him...

The bright light is simply too strong for his eyes...

Blind...

He stumbles upon the obstacles that lay in front of him...

Cuts, bruises, abrasions...

Exhausted...

He still chooses not to stop...

And yet as the heart begins to scream...

It stopped...

As the boy collapses to the ground...

Only to realise that the bright light he saw...

Is gone...

Scream...

2009-07-02T20:49:00.000-07:00

Could literally listen to the screams of my body this morning...Had to forcefully drag myself to the bathroom and onto the bus for Physics test...

Is it really true that limits are always there and there is no way that the limits can be stretched?

I used to have this belief that the only thing that limits one's abilities and enhancing the attributes one has is his/her own limits...In this case, the term "body" is not stated in this and hence, it is not uncommon if people were to stumble upon the phrase "mind over matter" or "mind over body" at least once...

However, does this apply to all of us? What if there is a physical limit impose to our very own soul?

Everything we see around us has a limit, a physical one in fact...

Bridges and buildings can only withstand a finite magnitude of weight before collapsing into rubbles...

Government imposes physical control on goods in order to ban them from entering the country...

Usain Bolt cannot run 100m under 9 seconds unless he mutates and gains extra muscle power....

Doubt that he could evolve in a few weeks time to further improve his timings....

Kuchiki Byakuya from the anime Bleach had mentioned before, I quote,

"This is your limit, ryoka,"

Ryoka meaning....Human....

It could be possible that one's mind; motivated, inspired, encouraged, is able to do wonders and perhaps creating miracles...

But the body, mind and soul acts as one, and not as an individual component...

The body cannot function without the mind...

And the mind cannot produce work without the body....

And these two interdependent problems will only lead to a disrupted soul...

Nonetheless, when the body is breaking down...

And so is the mind...

It's hard for the soul to actually free itself from this dark void...
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I believe that I'm breaking down....But I'm not going to give away my soul to stress, both physical and mental that easily....

I just haven't found a way to reverse this...

2009-06-24T08:46:00.000-07:00

Accepting...

Supporting...

Challenging...

Neither of them surpass the other two...

And neither of them are inferior to the other two...

Accepting people for who they are...

Supporting them in fulfilling their own dreams...

Challenging them to be more, and exceed themselves...

Things are getting rough lately...

Rough...

And unexpected...

But this is where these 3 are most vital now...

2009-06-17T07:06:00.000-07:00

Suddenly felt tired today...despite I managed to finish revising physics....

Now I know why...Did not eat my meds for two days straight....I don't usually forget eating them...

Looks like I better remember now...Hmm.....

Opportunities....

2009-06-16T08:10:00.000-07:00

There's always a probability of earning it...
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There's also an equal probability of losing it...
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Grasp each of them...
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Never let them go...

P Post...

2009-06-14T08:52:00.000-07:00

Patience is a virtue....

And I believe my patience will be rewarded...

Perseverance is a value...

And I know my perseverance will see me through...

Physics is a subject...

And I think I seriously need to work harder on it...

Perhaps is a word...

And I will not allow this word to shield me from my dreams...

Poise is an action...

And I shall rise to any situation that stands in my way...

Please is also an action...

And I want to crack a smile on everyone's faces...

Wondering why everything starts with the letter P?

No good reason...

Just hoping that whatever that's happening around me right now stays...

Permanent...

Mugging....

2009-06-13T08:20:00.000-07:00

Mugging or mugger may refer to:

* A type of street robbery
o Steaming (crime), a variation of this type of robbery
* Model Mugging, a self-defense training technique.
* The Mugger Crocodile, a species native to India, Pakistan, Iran, and Nepal.
* A disparaging term for rote learning.
* A slang term for overacting.
* A Singapore colloquial term for intensive studying; a person who is studying intensively - derived from British colloquial term to mug up.
* "Mr. Clean / Modern Day Mugging", a 2004 single by rapper MF DOOM.
* "Mr. Monk and the Billionaire Mugger", an episode of the TV series Monk.
* "Mugged" (Flight of the Conchords), the third episode of the TV series Flight of the Conchords.

ahh....the art of mugging...haha...

Updating checklist...

2009-06-08T07:29:00.000-07:00

H2 Chemistry status...

Finished mugging...

Current report....Start doing revision work and all those past mid year papers...

Expected dateline... (hopefully)...This Wednesday...

Next Goal...H2 Physics this Thursday...

Going on a roll now....

I'm going to get my 7As for A levels...I will get my 7As for A levels...

2009-06-05T05:23:00.000-07:00

H3 Chemistry...check...results out next year

Project Work...check...A

Current workload left...

Chemistry...

Physics...

Mathematics...

Economics...

General Paper...

I'm going to get my 7As for A levels..I will get my 7As for A levels...

2009-06-01T07:30:00.000-07:00

非你莫属-Tank

你知道吗?
我很喜欢牵着你的手的感觉
那是什么样子我好希望再来一次

懂得让我微笑的人
再没有谁比你有天份
轻易闯进我的心门
明天的美梦你完成

整个宇宙
浩瀚无边的尽头
每颗渺小星球
全都绕着你走

爱我非你莫属
我只愿守护
由你给我的幸福
爱我非你莫属
也许会笑着哭
但那人是你所以
不怕苦

懂得让我流泪的人
给的感动一定是最深
在我心中留下伤痕
你同时点亮了星辰

整个宇宙
浩瀚无边的尽头
每颗渺小星球
全都绕着你走

爱我非你莫属
我只愿守护
由你给我的幸福
爱我非你莫属
也许会笑着哭
但那人是你所以
不怕苦

那麽多相遇
偏偏只和你
天造地设般产生奇迹
oh~ 我心的缝隙
我想除了你
任谁也无法填补这空虚

爱我非你莫属
我只愿守护
由你给我的幸福
爱我非你莫属
也许会笑着哭
但那人是你所以
不怕苦
那个人是你所以
不怕苦
oh~ 我不怕苦
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This song is nice! :)

Flare up?

2009-05-31T17:11:00.000-07:00

Signs that I saw this morning...

Bleeding gums...

More new rashes...

Groggy eyes...

Hopefully those signs are not of a flare...

Insomnia...

2009-05-27T08:16:00.000-07:00

Hmm....a junior from my secondary school chatted with me just now...He was asking how was I doing and asked what am I studying right now...

That simple question is one that I have yet to reply him till now...Because at my age....No other Malaysians that I know are still doing their A levels..

Is not that I'm sensitive about this age issue...But it reminds me of all my other secondary school classmates right now...Most of them are actually taking up a course in universities right now....Some even started working and earning their monthly paychecks...

*Sigh* Sometimes I feel that it is ok to take a longer time to study and eventually I'll be able to rise up the social ladder in a blitz...But alas, it is really hard to swallow the fact that I'm slower compared to the rest of my old classmates....

Yup.....As the title suggests, being insomniac right now...Perhaps it's because I'm being a little bit hyper about the things that are about to happen? MYE? Hmm...Perhaps...But it's a deja vu feeling right now....Similar to what I felt back then when I was spending most of my term 3 staying inside the sick bay...

Better try to sleep now....

2009-05-27T03:43:00.000-07:00

Trying times have arrived...

Grant me the strength to fight this fatigue...

Top of the food chain...

2009-05-26T02:01:00.000-07:00

Had Econs lecture today when one of the tutors was announcing that some of the students have to return to college for the holidays because they need more assistance in getting better results for Econs...especially since the MYE is breathing down our necks right now...

He had the list of students that requires assistance displayed on the screen...One of my classmates weren't happy because his name was on the list too, along with some of my other classmates...I'm not sure what was he doing then, but it seemed like he was asking my tutor why he was recommended to return to college for the extra econs consultations for two weeks into the holidays...

Sure, given that I'm in his shoes, I would not be happy too...But I guess, some find it really hard to swallow when the tutor plays down his/her cards; telling you that you need help...No matter how you think that you could cope through A levels...

When you're part of the tertiary group that is on top of the food chain...There's nothing that can guarantee that you'll stay there unless you work to remain in that hierarchy...

The Indian caste system may be subtle in India's society now, but it could be otherwise for the case of a school or college....

On top would be the La Primiera...Those who are constantly showing results, and would achieve success in A levels...

The secondary caste consists of those who may be the not so talented/gifted ones (bluntly, takes more time to digest subject content), but are ever so willingly to put in much effort to reach the top of the pyramid...

The third one is those who could be the smart ones, but seem to lack the motivation to climb up the social ladder (erm....college social ladder) due to other reasons...(lack of interest? Love binds them?) But not forgetting those who are desperate to climb up the ladder but they cant because they have other commitments...CCAs would be the obvious culprit...

Hmm....wondering are there anymore levels to add onto this pyramid...
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I'm going to get my 7As for A levels..I will get my 7As for A levels...

Get'cha head in the game...

2009-05-24T05:50:00.001-07:00

Coach said to fake right
And break left
Watch out for the pick
And keep an eye on defense
Gotta run the give and go
And take the ball to the hole
But don't be afraid
To shoot the outside "J"

Just keep ya head in the game
Just keep ya head in the game

And don't be afraid
To shoot the outside "J"
Just keep ya head in the game

You gotta
Get'cha get'cha head in the game
We gotta
Get our, get our, get our, get our head in the game

Let's make sure
That we get the rebound
'Cause when we get it
Then the crowd will go wild
A second chance
Gotta grab it and go
Maybe this time
We'll hit the right notes

Wait a minute
It's not the time or place
Wait a minute
Get my head in the game
Wait a minute
Get my head in the game
Wait a minute
Wait a minute

I gotta
Get my, get my head in the game
You gotta
Get'cha, get'cha, get'cha, get'cha head in the game

Why am I feeling so wrong
My head's in the game
But my heart's in the song
She makes this feel so right

Should I go for it
Better shake this, yikes!

I gotta
Get my, get my head in the game
You gotta
Get'cha, get'cha, get'cha, get'cha head in the game
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One week down...and the one month long holiday is coming...
Game is on now...
Focus...

I'm going to get my 7As for A levels...I will get my 7As for A levels...

Angels and Demons...

2009-05-22T07:37:00.000-07:00

Watched Angels and Demons today...And here's my opinion on the movie...

Howard did make some good attempts at tweaking the storyline since most of the audience in cinemas would be, or will be, those who have read the novel written by Dan Brown at least once....I myself read it around 5 times...

One praise that I would want to voice out is the background music sung by a chorale, which I find quite suitable for each scenes played throughout the 2 hours of following the path created by the Illuminati...For example, the chorale accentuated the rise of the Illuminati against the Catholic church by repetition of the word 'Illuminati', a word that was meant to spell doom and terror to the people of the church...

However, I believe the choice of actors in portraying each characters in the novel is crucial to extend their reach to the audience. Vittoria was not really portrayed as a strong character as I hoped for..What happened to the lithe, well-tanned marine biologist-cum-yoga master? In the movie, she looked just like any other physicist (sorry, I'm not discriminating any occupations), having features that doesn't seem to be one full of determination....She looked rather dependent on the people surrounding her such as her 'colleague' and eventually Langdon....

But kudos for the choice of the camerlengo....Young, strong and determined, and yet aggressive and showing signs of immaturity in making decisions....

I wish I could throw in some more points on the movie....but I was a bit distracted? yeah...

Overall....It's a 2.5/5 movie...My verdict, it's just another movie.....

One word...

2009-05-20T08:19:00.001-07:00

Suddenly had this sudden interest in creating these photos...above are the ones I've made so far...

Hmm...was thinking about how strong a word could be when accompanied with a suitable picture...Some people say...A picture tells a thousand words..But more could be told with the aid of captions..

You could easily make one of these at www.hugelabs.com...But it says here as motivator pics....

Perhaps we could actually reuse this idea to satirise certain groups of people...Something like what The Economist's caricatures on several prominent figures have portrayed on global policies....from the current recession we are in till the Obama administration...

Hmm...

Was with RJ, Gabriel and Chaw at the dining tent....eating donuts, sharing chicken rice and green tea....Suddenly RJ talked about her assessment to retain her scholarship...Apparently she is prepared for the worst outcome...And she's already have some plans if the worst does come...

Hmm...I always tell people to keep fighting till the end because I do not believe in early indicators to a final outcome...But why I couldn't summon my courage to actually tell her? Perhaps it's because Gabby was there too and it's really hard to talk about it when you have two friends facing problems in meeting their conditional renewal of their scholarships...

Something is telling me that this is not right...And yet I could not find any ways to help either one of them right now...Perhaps hoping is the only better way among others...

So...which way is better in handling bad outcomes?

1. Fighting your way to the finish line? Even though achieving victory is utterly close to nil?

or 2. Accepting the loss and opt of other alternatives to soften the fall?
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Life's fair...Because it is unfair to everyone...

Volleyball Anatomy...

2009-05-18T05:38:00.000-07:00

Today was NYJC's big day...

Volleyball finals for both guys and girls' team...
Girls won the finals....Congrats team!!
The guys fought gallantly, despite losing to HCI boys 3-1....

Hmm....Was thinking about other things than just volleyball when I was cheering with my classmate Renyi just now...

When a team participates in a competition, not only the effort made by the team would pay off, we can never forget how supporters play a major role in securing victory in every matches...

My verdict is, support is important in life, no matter from who you receive it.

Case Study: Volleyball finals

1. It can be assume that all of the NYJCians do not know most of the volleyball players who were playing today, unless they are their classmates, friends, or just someone they knew upon hearing from others...However, under the college banner, NYJCians cheered on both the guys and girls team throughout the whole afternoon.
Point 1: Strangers may come across you and give you a lift, accept it!

2. There was a set where the girls were trailing as much as 8 points behind VJC team. NYJCians were 'relentless' in their chants of 'Nanyang! Nanyang!'and 'Fight On Nanyang Fight On!'...The girls overcome the odds to tie and eventually win the third set to claim the championship title...
Point 2: Even at the bleakest moment of time, continuous support is able to turn things around...

3. The volleyball team were...insane if you put it on layman's terms...But frankly speaking, they were very focused in the game...throwing their bodies across the court to defend a spike from the opposition, brushing off the injuries inflicted on their tired and battered bodies...Commitment is simply not a good enough word to praise them...
Point 3: Commitment towards a person or a duty only shows itself when you start to sacrifice yourself for greater good...

Overall analysis:
Mental strength is vital in overcoming challenges and problems...Even if one is bestowed with the strongest and healthiest body ever created by God...For it is the mind that controls the body and mighty enough to stretch the body to its limits...However, even the mightiest of bodies could not defy Hooke's Law, stretching the body beyond its limits is detrimental to the body itself, rendering it helpless in troubled waters...

In other words, a capable captain is able to steer a ship across treacherous waves, but not even a wrecked ship is able to cross a quiet ocean under a skillful captain...

I hope I could do more analysis on this case study, but I'm afraid that I could not because I had to leave the stadium early because of H3...anyway...I'm proud of the volleyball team today as they have showed their best effort against VJC and HCI...

Yes...Today was indeed a happy day...

I'm going to get my 7As for A levels...I will get my 7As for A levels...

Together We Build!

Train zooming too fast...

2009-05-17T04:46:00.000-07:00

Aboard the train...
That travels a shade too fast...
Shortening the time needed...
To plan my next destination...
Where shall I head next?

Plains of A.Currents I have crossed...
Waves of Poisson Dist. I've sailed...
Fields of Market Structures I have treaded...
And so are the mountains of Nitrogen Compounds...

With nothing but a compass...
I attempt to conquer the dense jungle of KS Bull...
Wondering whether the train...
Will just zoom by like a blitz...

I am going to get my 7As for A levels...I will get my 7As for my A levels...

2009-05-15T23:42:00.000-07:00

Badminton is fun!! XD

Up and Down...

2009-05-13T08:09:00.000-07:00

Today was much like a roller coaster ride....

7.30am...
Found myself trying to resist the throbbing headache I had. Tears literally rolling down my cheeks and I looked for my Maths tutor to ask him to take the Complex Numbers test early so I could go back and rest. He preferred I take it on another day and not miss any of my lessons. So I agreed but insisted that I will take the test as promised at 12.30pm if I feel better.

9.15am...
Trying hard to keep myself awake during Physics lecture. Headache persists, but at a smaller magnitude.

10.20am...
Found myself to be super alert during GP tutorial. Soon enough my head is flowing with ideas and arguments and today's tutorial was interesting. So much of that headache.

12.33pm...
Went for the complex numbers test which I find it doable. Strange. Maths lecture tests were not like that before, from my own experience I mean. Hopefully it is translated to better results?

3.45pm...
Had a lot of food during the Choir farewell party. Had no idea what emotions to sink into at that time, but it was fun.

5.00pm...
Got super engrossed in finishing H3 report; until I did not realised that I was doing the report myself, despite it was my idea to get it done together. Headache returned.

7.00pm onwards...
Felt that I did not need the rest but eventually fell asleep upon contact with my bed. Had a weird dream that kept me from getting back into slumberland. Finished econs case study that was supposed to be submitted on Friday. Leaves me the time to memorise Chem SPA.

Personal verdict...
Workaholic me is starting to take over the driving seat. Hopefully I'm able to regain energy for tomorrow.

I'm going to get my 7As for A levels...I will get my 7As for A levels...

Kenangan Terindah..

2009-05-12T02:22:00.000-07:00

This is an attempt to translate Kenangan Terindah by Samsons..
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Link's here...
Kenangan Terindah - Samsons

Weak without your presence,
Vulnerable I am because,
The love that's lost from you,
The love that carried me up...

As long as my eyes are open,
Until my heart stops beating,
All this while I'm still,
Struggling to remember you...

Through you, I have found my own life,
To me, you are my true love...

When what was written for me,
Was the best for you,
You will be the most beautiful memory in my life,
But it will not be easy,
To leave the footprints of my life,
That is eternally engraved,
As the most beautiful memory...

Original lyrics here:
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Aku yang lemah tanpamu
Aku yang rentan karena
cinta yang tlah hilang darimu
yang mampu menyanjungku

Selama mata terbuka
Sampai jantung tak berdetak
selama itu pun
aku mampu tuk mengenangmu

Darimu, kutemukan hidupku
Bagiku, kau lah cinta sejati

Bila yang tertulis untukku
Adalah yang terbaik untukmu
Kan kujadikan kau kenangan
Yang terindah dalam hidupku
Namun takkan mudah bagiku
Meninggalkan jejak hidupku
Yang telah terukir abadi
Sebagai kenangan yang terindah
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I like this song!!....haha..

Cough Cough*

2009-05-12T00:31:00.001-07:00

It's really hard to get things done especially when one is feeling uber-sick. Head's been spinning for the whole Sunday and I would say that it is remarkable to revise Complex Numbers with that dizziness haunting you every minute...

But the effort is a waste since I could not move this morning and now I'm taking the test on the following day, which means I have to re-revise Complex Numbers again..Hmm...

My personal expectations towards that test dropped again, from scoring well to getting a pass.

Apparently getting a disease does halts people a little, or perhaps to a greater extent...

Yet I find myself right now...Just finished two online lectures in one go, tutorials done and pending for tutors' discussion in class and right now, I'm only left with the following tasks for this week:

1. Study for Complex Numbers, AGAIN
2. Get the H3 Report done by this Thursday (hoping to do it with Nadet)
3. Study Chemistry SPA Skill A (TBD on Sunday)
4. Economics Assignment on Market Structures (TBS on Friday)

And here are the things that tempted me to add on to the above list...
1. MUG!!
2. REVISE!!
3. MORE MUGGING!!

So yeah, I guess I am a born workaholic, constantly looking for things to do; and when I'm doing it, expect it to be done on the day itself. Scary. Need an illustration? I finished reading up Organic Nitrogen Compounds and able to draw up a mind map without reference of any written notes whatsoever in 1 hour. The scarier part is, lecturer had not reached half of the lecture notes.

It's weird right now. I keep thinking whether am I keeping up with the pace, or am I struggling to chase the rest of the pack? Sometimes it's easier to know if you do not have problems in going to school and being with your classmates...

I guess the only way to know is to ensure that every tutorials are done and there's time to study for Mid-years.

Okays, Pen off here and better go to J8 now.

I'm going to get my 7As for A levels...And I will get my 7As for A levels...
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Alive or otherwise...

2009-05-07T20:39:00.000-07:00

It's really hard not to think about a certain disappointment....
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Especially when you put in your whole heard into it....
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It's really hard to think about what you achieved and also where you abilities could take you....
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If at the same time, the abilities you treasure so much is the root for your collapse...
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It's seems easy to put up a smile in front of friends in a split second....
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If you know it too well it's merely a mask you're wearing....
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It is easy to get yourself out from this depression....
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If the depression didn't even exist from the start....
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All of a sudden I just feel like I'm bleeding....
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Wonder if that would solve anything....

Workaholic

2009-05-07T07:41:00.000-07:00

Being absent from school does brings a lot of funny assumptions...

1. Some thought that I am emo-ing about the Silver we got from this year's SYF until not planning to go to school for the rest of the week...
Fact: I was emo-ing because I felt that we really deserved something better than Ag? Oh well...we were not in form at that time so I guess a sterling silver would suffice to comfort our hearts...

2. Guojun is overworking himself again and now his body justs retaliate to shut him down...
Fact: Guojun IS overworking himself and he did not know about it until Monday..Doctor and himself were surprised to find rashes appearing behind his back and chest...Current action plan: Stay off from homework and rest well...But Guojun hates the nothingness of life...

So yeah...hmm...I just not appearing in front of friends do make them worry a little....perhaps not just a little...

Even Ms Mag said that I have tendencies to overwork myself...

Well...I guess it's a nature within me to not stop working? Born workaholic you might say...

Even as I'm typing this post I'm still thinking about my Maths Binomial tutorial...The lectures I've missed this week....And whether will I be able to catch up with my work..

Seriously....I need a life....Correction....I want my life back....It's a lifeless race I'm putting myself in now....

Ahh....

I am going to get my 7As for A levels..I will get my 7As for A levels...

Isolation...

2009-05-07T01:25:00.000-07:00

Just wondering why is it so hard to keep everyone happy..Whatever action you take, inevitably there are consequences too....

To kill a murderer to avenge the death of your loved ones may settle the raging waters of a heart, but such action would bring down tears of the murderer's family...

Yes....He committed a crime that is hard to forgive, but that should not be the clear-cut reason to not love him as a family member...

*Sigh*, Keeping friends happy is such a hard thing to do...Given that whatever you do would affect them emotionally...

It's really hard to do the things you like and at the same time, people will not be adversely affected by it...Sometimes I really wished that I'm a whiz-scientist that can invent a bubble that is habitable and cut myself out from the outside world...Since my actions affects everyone...Why not take myself out of everyone's life? Suicide is not an option since I really enjoy what I'm doing right now...So....pulling out serves as a better method?

Just feeling overwhelmed with the things I've heard for the past 12 hours...
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Perhaps the bubble idea is the most marvelous idea I've concocted this year...Isolation for global happiness...Lol...As if isolating Israel and Palestine would stop the bloodbath between them...As if ignoring North Korea would stop them from giving threats on missile development...

Isolating H1N1 might stop the pandemic, but in this case, am I part of the influenza?

2009-05-05T21:24:00.000-07:00

Praying really hard that it's not a flare....

Mmm.....Yeah...

2009-05-05T05:50:00.000-07:00

I believe that I can go the distance...
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It's just that the distance gone isn't far enough....
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All metals are shiny....
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Except the metal of molar mass 108 I'm binded with now...
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Lost and Found...

2009-05-03T04:31:00.000-07:00

Was at a fast food joint doing my physics tutorial when suddenly an African American alerted me that there was a mobile phone beneath a seat..I took and see that it wasn't mine so I wanted to call someone so that I can identify the owner of the small black mobile...

A lady told me to hand it to the counter so I did..

About an hour later a female Westerner came to my table to look for the phone...After telling her that I handed it to the counter...I was surprised when the staff members said that they did not have her phone...Although they did receive lost mobiles on the same day....

Funny thing is...I gave the phone and the African American saw me....

So when the manager of the joint could not locate the phone for her...She approached me and gave me the look as if I'm the culprit...Really taken aback by this issue...

Hello? In case you are wondering..If I were the thief...would I be still hanging around at your joint and wait for the rightful owner of that Nokia phone to come over to my table and ask me whether have I seen the phone? How amusing...

I am not arguing the fact that there's nothing wrong in asking me a few questions on to who I gave the phone...but obviously...Why not ask your other staff members about the phone I returned? It is impossible no one was there to see me because I gave it when your counter is full...

It is really problematic when you do not have staff to actually investigate this issue thoroughly and place customers as your top priority...Not your fast food joint's reputation...Easily said...Recovering the phone would lead to the improvement of your reputation.....Failing to do so and attempting to protect your own staff would only add mud to your reputation...

Another problem is the way they deal with lost items....As in...If a lost item is found under your premises...Should it be right to put those items in a same place and record it so that it is easier for the owner to look for your phone...I find it really displeasing to see that the lost phones were actually kept inside the manager's pocket...

CCTV? yup...there are CCTV cameras everywhere....But according to them...They could not pull out the recordings because the cameras are wired to another place....SO getting the records immediately was close to impossible...

Funny....If you install CCTVs at your own place...Shouldn't it be appropriate to have your own people watching and recording the activities of your place under your own roof? Now is like you are asking someone else to look after your own eggs...A move I find stupid in today's society...Exposing yourself to the outside world....

I do wish that the Westerner gets her phone as soon as possible...But at this rate the staff of the joint is currently working on...I doubt so...

Heck...Even the A.American from NYC complained that this is worse that NY....Ironically...Singapore is supposedly a low-crime city...

So yup...gave my contact number to the Westerner and so did the AA....I'm ready to help her out again in case there's anything wrong...

DotA...Merely a game?

2009-04-30T11:28:00.000-07:00

Played DotA with Gab, Quang and Fufu just now..the last time we played was actually months ago...haha...I'm still wondering why we suddenly felt like playing it...

Everything is still the same as months ago...
.
Gab still likes Drow Ranger...
Quang still doing silly mistakes occasionally..
Fufu rising up against AIs even if he's significantly weaker...

Well...I guess computer games really brings out our true personality?
One that never voices out to take the role of leadership but gets the job done...
One who refuses to give in to his/her weaknesses...
One who seems to have the courage but not enough brains...
One who often takes the commanding lead....
One who is indecisive when critical situations arise...

Well...It never crossed my mind before that DotA could have such an influence that it prompts users to unknowingly express their deepest personalities....Through the heroes they picked or used....

Shall sleep now....Tomorrow is an important day....

Slumberland....

2009-04-30T03:23:00.000-07:00

Sleep..
.
.
.
Even if it's only for an hour...
.
.
.
I want it...

Sonata...

2009-04-24T06:59:00.000-07:00

Tonight,
The piano is the only one who understands me now...
My emotions...
My feelings...
My heart...

Sweeping my fingers across the keys..
A melodious embodiment of my emotions echoes the empty school..
Every note...Has a meaning indeed...
Carrying one single message...
The player of the piano weeps with his piece...

I could no longer feel the forte within my heart...
The con brio within me had dissipated into nothingness...
The heavy play on the triplets signifies the despair inside...
Phrases and phrases tied up by disappointment...

Suddenly...The melody starts to decresendo to guilt...
Helplessness...
A sudden abrupt end to the tune...
He wonders...
Whether is it possible to end the piece...
In allegro...

There's no way...no way to cresendo to forte....let alone mezzo forte...
His heart beats softly...Pledging for a staccato twist...
But little can it do for his poco heart...
The low C echoes the empty corridor...

I want.......
.
.
.
.
.
.
Silence blankets the last note....

Through my fingers...

2009-04-24T02:02:00.000-07:00

Was playing Endless Road on the piano while waiting for choir prac...Did not realised that my friend was actually behind me listening to the whole time...

Her eyes were red...She said that she felt the tone I'm feeling now...

Hmm...I guess I can't hide my feelings when I play the piano? Everything comes into place whenever I touch the keys...

Yeah...Feeling really down lately because a lot of things happened and there's nothing much I could do about it...despite some happy moments that occured...

Only the piano is there for me to vent...Touching the keys really made me poured out my feelings through melodies....

It's an Endless Road....Still wondering why am I holding back my tears....

I am going to get my 7As for my A levels...I will get my 7As for my A levels..

Privacy...

2009-04-23T07:45:00.000-07:00

Suddenly remembered my scout days....the first time where I learnt how to write in codes...

It was really fun because we could pass secret messages to classmates without the fear of the message being interpreted......unless the interceptor is also a scout....But frankly speaking....us scouts are well bonded enough to keep each other's secrets...till now and then...

Many things had actually spiraled around these simple codes of lines and dots..How we made fun on our teachers....which led to them shaking their heads wondering why are we laughing our heads off over some lines and dots....

But there were also serious matters that were passed on through these codes...New exco elections was naturally one of the many issues that we do not wish to disclose...especially if there are people snooping around..

I guess back then I had a lot more privacy than I have now? It's really funny why all of a sudden there are certain people who simply could not stop tailing people....Stalkers?

I really hated when you grabbed my bag and hugged it tightly as if I'm a very close person to you and all my belongings belong to you...I puked at the sight of it...And stop scratching your head beside me and send your snowflakes laying upon my desk..Christmas is not here and I'm not planning to buy anti dandruff shampoo for you...Get it from your mom...

Even typing things is malay and chinese to vent myself would only lead to people using google to translate my blog....oh well then...translate the above pic if you can....

Still choose to bug me? Oh well then....

I'm going to get my 7As for A levels..I will get my 7As for A levels...

2009-04-22T17:37:00.001-07:00

It really hurts right now..

The Shower...Dum Belle

2009-04-22T06:48:00.000-07:00

Performed in front of the J1s this afternoon.....We performed our two pieces...

First one was The Shower....A British song that was composed based on an English poem...

Second one was Dum Belle...A Filipino rain chant...

Both songs are actually at both extremes...The Shower is more of a song full of expression....

"My eyes could weep, my eyes could weep oh my hard heart..."

Dum Belle, however, requires intensity throughout the whole song...stomps and claps included...

Was rather satisfied with choir's performance today because we've finally managed to step out from our stagnant state...and we have gone back on track...

I'm really glad that I've made the decision to brush off my body's cries for lying on my bed for the rest of the day and dashed off the school....although I am late for PE....but hey...I can't go for PE lessons anyway...given the medical condition I'm in....so I guess that means more time to sleep? haha...

Anyway...I wanna share this...

We will....at any point of life....or even multiple points of life...will come across the hardest times of our lives...Perhaps so hard that we find ourselves wondering whether will we be able to rise up to the challenge and walk out of it gallantly...

Nonetheless...it is up to us to decide whether do we want to fight as a warrior....or succumb to cowardice...

What's the point of wielding an Excalibur if there is zero confidence on clinching victory?

The past few months were some of the hardest times I've faced in my life...But right now I'm heading to the right track...

And I believe now it is your turn...

I am going to get my 7As for A levels...I will get my 7As for A levels.. :)

Sunday....

2009-04-19T05:19:00.000-07:00

Decided to put myself off work for today....mostly because I had this sudden dizziness in the morning....but at least the day before was sort of productive...

It's been really hot in my hostel of late....Found myself sweating when I woke up in the morning and also in the afternoon...Had to douse myself with cold drinks....ais kacang..even bubble tea...haha....baths does not seem to work for now....hopefully a downpour would happen tonight to cool the day....

Just when I thought I would be able to rest for the whole day..realised that I still have this GP presentation coming up....Supposed to look for facts and statistics on Singapore youths are not politically apathetic...Something which I find it quite hard to probe into....

Not I'm saying the Singaporean youths are not interested or don't wanna get involved in Singapore politics...It's best I don't argue about this because the definition of youths ranges up to people aging 30+...and there are people within that range who are politically active...

But what about those who are still at colleges and polytechnics? We cannot deny that they are youths as well...Do they show any signs of interest and concern towards politics? I might say it's unlikely...Unless we're talking about knowing your ministers....But anything deeper than that it is really hard to say...

Politics is undeniably a dry issue...Let alone in Singapore...Given that Singapore is a politically stable country...So there isn't much hot news going around such as sodomy cases or threats to bring down a government...

Perhaps there are youths who are politically active...Otherwise Singapore would not grow to what she is now....hmm...

Considering to stay in Singapore after A levels...I wonder what will I do while waiting for my A level results to be released....Accommodation...Financial backing...

Let that issue dwell on its own for now....

I'm going to get my 7As for A levels...I will get my 7As for A levels... :)

2009-04-18T08:50:00.000-07:00

100th post.....at long last...haha...

Just wanna say...

There are always days where heads are lifted up high...

And moments where heads tilt down...

Just as we take a step forward everyday..

The sun still rises and sets continuously...

Rather than sulking about whatever bad that's happened to us before..

Why not remember the times when we smiled brightly as the full moon?

Yeap....Feeling pretty happy today...And motivated to strive towards my As...

From this post onwards...Here's my endnote as a reminder and a commitment I'm making to myself...

I am going to score my 7As for A levels...I will score my 7As for A levels...:)