There's just a teeny weeny....wait...correction....there's A LOT of things racing through my head as if it were some race track at STC....
Been trying to tell myself for the umpteenth time that no matter what is the result I will be receiving from my teachers...IT'S OK....
But why I just can't accept that thought whenever the tutors said that I could have done better...why am I underperforming....and why I can't answer such simple questions correctly...
Hey...Don't blame me, I'm too tired to even pick up my pen and start scribbling the night before every paper...I'm just too weak to keep up with this insane pace....Don't blame me for my weakness...I did not choose to be this weak....
But given that my physique is already it's all-time low....Then why doesn't my mentality follows the trend? Why is it such a terrible feeling when you're a perfectionist? I want to let go of my own mediocre results....And yet....my mind is crying out loud that I could have done better....And SHOULD regret that I didn't...
And here I am...rambling hard on this post....right after I finished my Chem revision package as if I was being possessed...Thought that it would help me get things off my mind but it didn't...
Results does not determine one's identity...But without results, where could one go?
In this world, results justify the means... But does it mean sacrificing my own health?
No...wait...I should not blame on my health that I'm underperfoming...
It's just that I'm so afraid of failure I twitch the moment my friends mention about their own results...
What's worse is the tutors too are somewhat heartless, despite their "full of concern'' motivations and encouragements...Well...if they intend to motivate and encourage...Why do I still feel depressed about my own results?
Is my efforts paying off? I'm still afraid to face failure....
The reason I perform well....so far.....is because I'm so scared of failing that I literally pushed myself beyond my own limits to fare well in every tests and exams...Everything worked so well.....until now...Failure is staring right at my face right now...
And here I am, constantly telling others that they should not run away from the fear of failing....breaking down because of bad results, considering to quit A levels...
Haha...I'm leading the greatest hypocritic life in this world.....I should win at least 5 years of Grammy Awards for being the Best Hypocrite....
Putting up a smile in front of everyone telling them that I'm satisfied with what I'm going through...which I'm not...
Why...why can't I just accept that my results are alright....
I'm hurting a lot right now because of all this pushing and stretching...
Now I really understand how MJ felt, having 50 concerts in a year and eventually died due to overdose of painkillers....
Well..he should know that being a lupus patient, he should not overdose on painkillers...Ack...
Perhaps I should overdose myself with some of those too...That would permanently take away the pain I'm having right now....
Hmm....No painkillers inside my room right now...
Wait....there's Azathioprine...
It's supposed to temporary lower down my immune system upon consumption....That's to keep my immune system under control and preventing it from attacking my body system..
Perhaps I should take 15 times more than the usual amount...Then let my flu finish the rest of the job.....
Then I would not have to dream about someone killing me edi....there's no need to anyway...
And that smile would just fade away from my memory forever.....
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